Allergies kicking up like a motherfucker. I think I have a brain tumor, because when I lie down my headache gets worse, and I curb my words all whack, soften them around the edges when I talk, so involuntarily. I get blurred vision and really strange, bright floaters. The only problem is, I just went to the doctor on Monday and unloaded on him with various things that I think are wrong with me, and I can't really go back because Mom won't take me and it's a half hour away by car. Wtf.

Clay and I are dicks. Seriously. We are. We're such assholes.

Played nineties video games with Drew and talked about. . . well, everything ever, all day. Like it usually goes. I rode the bus, it was a brutal bus-ride, he lives SO FAR AWAY FROM ME. But then we had a really nice time after that, very steamyhot, too. Gonna go make cookies with him and eat vegetarian hot dogs with his family this weekend.

Our raft? It's become Clay, Greg, Mouse and I that are the central crew, I guess.

That's damn right. It'll kick your ass. We're making it so cool, definitely renovating it to the point where we expend copious amounts of effort, and money. But it now does not sink, will not get your ass wet, and holds two. So awesome. So awesome. So awesome.

I want to paint the windows of a cop car shut and throw fireworks in their windows.

So, like, I've been working on playing this song called We Belong Forever by The Reverend Horton Heat, he's this one-man psychobilly band, I think. There may be a few more. Sounds kinda like a Tom Waits that DOESN"T drink glass for breakfast.
Anyway, I can play it real easy, right? I can sing along too. But I'd KILL to make it a duet, it'd sound SO COOL THAT WAY.

"We belong forever,
forever, to eternity.
We belong forever;
Forever, just you and me."

That'd be person one, right?

Then,

"Trial and tribulation,
Sorrow, and some pain.
The two of us, together,
we can weather wind and rain."

That's person two, the only stanza I can sing right.

Then, together, the first verse again, and then the interlude, and the end. It'd be SO RAD.
On Wednesday I'm gonna see if Drew can pick it up fast and try it with me, after we're done with our hot shower-sex in a house for six hours while his mom's at work, before we go have tea with his grandmother and cat.

soooooo

me and yasmine have been hanging out a lot lately it's relly nice. along with her cousin from france, armel.


he's SO CUTE and french but he's gay so it doesn't matter. haha. but we are going to pretend to go on a double date sos yasmie and jet can hook up. yo. sweet.

I had my last day of work...I should have gotten my paycheck as well leah.....but I didn't.


tomorrow me and yasmine and maybe armel are going to the cherry blossom festival. it will be funnnnn211!!!!

teeeeheeee I need to like learn french really badly.

I am piking up though, I can kind of understand what they are saying.

Leftover Crack show was really cool. Drew finally called me, worried because I hadn't called him, I guess my messages just don't show up on his phone because he never leaves his house so he never gets service anywhere so they never show.

Anyway, the pit was fucking brutal as fuck. Seriously. I was afraid for my health, so I tried to stay out of it during LOC because Clay twisted his ankle and I'd already gotten punched in the nose (This is a pattern with me?) in the Citizen Fish pit and I'm a pussy. Boldtype sucked tits, Intro5pect was really cool, Stizza was crunk as eff and would NOT shut up to play music. Hahaha. Got out at 12:15. Dave went with me, so we dropped him off home. Dick from CF looks like he's fucking falling the fuck apart. It's rad.

Anyway, going to Drew's Wednesday, hopefully. No one's home at his house on Wednesdays. Not like I'll get any. (:/) but I'm sure it will be beautiful. It's always beautiful. He's beautiful.
Aw I love him so much. I don't know why I worry about us so much. If he knew how much I worried he'd call me more, but I just never let him know that I worry.

It was awesome hanging out with Dave, though, definitely. He and I are awesome showpartners. We were trying to find cardboard so that we could write "Will fuck for sex" so he could get some from a hot punk girl. hahaha. It didn't work. No marker. Laughably, not a shortage of cardboard, though. Met some cool cats. Twelve didn't get in. Quinton didn't go. Clay and Joanna were like LOOK AT MY TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH and Dale was like "I'm going to hit on Clay's jailbait sister!" so I was really glad Dave came with me.


uhhh

Len made the newest girl cry at work today. Not me, yet, though! I guess I'm a record. Ha. Take that, fucker. I'm used to patronization. You're not as bad as my daddy. =]

Hung out with Rob on break. . . Clay's not home yet, it's eight, thirteen hour shift, fuck. He does manual fucking labor. Jeez. Poor kid. He's rackin' in bank, though

fuck I should've gotten my paycheck today

well fuck this, I'm going to go learn some more about my guiitarce.

It's astounding how much everyone and everything can change so quickly, so drastically. This time last year, I thought I would never be with anyone else but Bre and now she's two girlfriends later and moved in with one who I slept with and they're in Portland and have a pet ferret. I drank a lot at the time and could give half a fuck what you thought. Since then I've been slapped around, been in abusive relationships, slept with total strangers, done lots of drugs, made up, yelled, screamed, cried and fucked harder than I thought I'd ever have to. I feel like things are changing so quickly and I can't get enough of it. Constant stress and constant anxiety and constant difference are a part of every second I live. I had one girlfriend who bled her cuts all over me and called me names you wouldn't imagine but loved it when I fucked her and I rode in a car with one of her exes who hates my guts last Friday. I want to punch someone in the fucking face right now. Mostly because I don't know what the fuck my point is and it's making me even more upset than I was before I started typing this.
I can't stand it anymore.
I really, really can't.

I don't know anything about anything anymore. I really, really, really don't.

Leftover Crack on Wednesday. Cool. Len's at a fucking funeral, I have Tuesday and Wednesday off but I have to go to work at 10 AM Thursday. Fuck. Oh well.

Going with Quinton and Angie and Clay and Joanna and Twelve. (Twelve is a girl I've spent the past couple of days with. She lives in Boulder and is sixteen, like me, same grade. Dated Jay, the kid with the tatoos who went to JW that I met with Tyler and Bri, the twenty year old, this cool little punk girl. She's really Clay's friend but she spent the night and a couple of days with us and we got along really well. I like her a lot, I can see us being really awesome friends, and it's cool meeting someone here who isn't like LOL PUNX LOLOLOLOL I'M SO PUNK ROCK LOL LOOK AT ME LOL.) It'll be nice.


(I realized that Drew has not called me all summer and I feel like we're falling apart and I don't know what to do. Because I always call him and when we hang out, it's cool. But he won't get online, or call me, or make any effort to make plans. Even on the days I told him I was off, and he knows I always have Sunday's off, and I've left him two messages about going with me LOC and he hasn't called me back in a week. I left him one being like, hey, let me know if you can go or not. But he just won't call me or anything, and doesn't really want to be with me, I don't think. I can feel it. So I don't know. I'm thinking about breaking up, because. . . because. . . I don't know. because I don't think he wants to be with me anymore, that's why.)




Haven't updated in a long ass time.

Let's see. Had a long weekend. Had Thursday off, ended up getting Friday off too. And, miraculously, Clay did, too! So on Friday. . . let's see how did this go.

Okay, Thursday I took pictures of my dad's trio and dad figured out that my camera was broken from when Suki and I broke it at school from being all drunk. And so he got really pissed, but let it go.
Friday, Mom and I went shopping and he tagged along and I went to the iPod store to get new headphones and I thought they'd give me new ones even if I didn't have the old ones with me but they didn't so I went to the car to get them and he got really pissed about the fact that I didn't get them in the first place, right? So we get back in the car and he starts just ragging on me, and I'm used to THAT.

but here's what he said that I can't. . . get. . . over. Exact words, okay? here we go. he said,

"And you know what? I don't care what you have to say in any situation. I know that sounds harsh, but I mean it! I don't care about any of your opinions unless we're around the dinner table and I ask you about them, and that's the only time I am going to hear them."

And I was like, WAT.

SERIOUSLY.


WAT.

I kept my damn mouth shut, but I have never been so fucking angry in my whole life. I will NOT sit there and be fucking DEHUMANIZED by him like that. FUCK THAT. That's the LEAST okay thing that he has ever said to me. Guess what, DAD? I don't CARE if you don't want to hear my opinions about ANYTHING! I know when I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut. I do not discuss politics with you, or anything else like that that I know I won't get anywhere with. I do not attack you in any way. But that does NOT mean that YOU have the right to tell ME that I am NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK MY OWN OPINIONS. I DON'T CARE IF I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK MY OPINIONS AROUND YOU, DAD. I AM GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY, BECAUSE MY OPINIONS MAKE ME WHO I AM, AND YOU CAN RIDE A WHEELBARROW FULL OF DICKS STRAIGHT UP MY ASS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THEM. You're tired of hearing, "Oh, I don't like this actor." Or "Wow, this is the best restaurant we've been to in this part of town! We should come here again!" FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU UP THE TITS. I will NOT let myself being degraded to the point where all you hear from me are YES or NO questions. That is bullshit. BULLSHIT. And if you think I'm over-reacting, you can shove a dick in you ear because that IS what he meant. He made that perfectly clear in the rest of his conversation, that all he wanted to hear from me was yes, no, and can I go to this at this time with these people if I do this. He said that. So fuck him. I am not a fucking robot, you cocksniffing sonofabitch.

I ALSO cannot believe that my mom sat RIGHT THERE and let him fucking SAY THAT TO ME. THAT IS ALSO BULLSHIT.

Anyway. I went home after that fiasco and was not grounded, somehow. So I call ish and max and we meet up the Aurora mall because they were going to Chante's party, but I didn't want to go, because drugs are silly. Hung out with Hope for a little. So I went to Candace's house instead, I rode the bus, and we drank some shitty vodka. Then I call Clay all drunk and ask him if he wants to hang out so he grabs Miguel at about eight thirty and show up at Candace's about nine and we buy some more liquor and drink a little more and then they go home and Candace and I stay up and then we woke up and went to Pridefest on Saturday.

That's where I met Twelve, Saturday morning. I also saw Alex Thomas, which was cool. Candace goes home, I go home with Clay and Twelve that afternoon. We hang out some more, and we start stealing shit to build this raft. we make one that night, Greg and Hana come over. Twelve had half a handle of McCormick's, so we sit around drinking that and smoking cigarettes and getting to know each other while they test out the prototype raft. We end up not finding a place to test it in the water that late, so we all drink a little more. . We go back to Home Depot at about ten thirty PM and steal more shit to make our raft better. Greg and Hana go home. Clay and Twelve and I sit in my room and play shitty acoustipunk on my guitar and drink a lot more. Clay goes to sleep, Twelve sleeps in my room, we stay up until about two talking.

Sunday. I go to church because dad made me, come home, hang out with Twelve some more. Clay wakes up, we say fuck the old raft, go steal more shit to make a SUPER RAFT, spend the rest of the morning/afternoon listening to some good punk and hammering in nails and making floaters to seal off with silicone and sealing things on with plumbers tape. Quinton comes over, we go down to the creek, float both rafts, they both suck. Took apart the shittier one, used the floaters on the superraft, it worked, but could only hold one person. So we all took turns, and drank some more, then went home, ate dinner, tooke Twelve up to boulder that night, hung out there for a bit, took Quinton home, ended up back at my house at about eleven or midnight, went to bed.

Woke up today, Monday, at noon, went to work at 2-6, came home, have tuesday-wednesday off, going to LOC Wendesday night, go to work at 10 AM Thursday, Friday I work, Saturday I don't, Sunday I don't, don't know the schedule for next week and that's it.



tl;dr:
Awesome weekend, one new friend, raft built, failed, in the process of being built again, neglect from boyfriend, and my father is the biggest penishead.

dude wats up??


so camping was fun and I was really tired and i ate so many marshmallows I think I have a stomach condition now.

uhh I had this really weird dream. someone should tell me what it means. because usually I have dreams and I realize i was thinking about the items for like a split second in my dream, but these things I had not been thinking about at all.


ok so I was at some concert with a bunch of people and I have no idea where it was. but zach king was there. and a bunch of other people too.

and in the middle of the concert I was meditating on zach kings head. and I noticed how nice my position and all of that was. it was just a really good form.

so after the concert was over me and zach king were sitting there. and he was like

did you practice yourmeditating position before you did it?

and I was like

uhh no

and he was like

see, you're just perfect.

and I was like

wat

and he was like, you're just perfect, everything you do is perfect. and he gave me this long stare into my eyes and I probably returned the look and I was like

so does this mean we're dating?

and he waited to reply for a bit

and then he was like yeah, yeah it does.

and he was all smiley.


so then I was leaving the concert a bit later and I see him walking by and I go text me tomorrow or something!! and he gave me this big smile.
and I remember thinking how great this was and how I know how to be a good girlfriend now because of brayden and how to not fuck up and all and how to kiss well and things.


so the next day I think I was in the same place and he hadn't texted me yet and so I sent him one or something but he never replied.

and I was talking to ayla about it and she was like oh dude....he was on esctacy last night!!

and I was like oh thats why that hapened I guess

and then there were a ton of different parts.

like ms. clark gave me ALL of this gorgeous antique jewelry and there was this one pice and it was gold and had orange and turquoise shapes on it it was AMAZING

and I was at park hill and my dad taught literature to all the dance majors.

and I was also dating sam van wetter at the same time.


and I woke up feeling:
sad i wasnt dating zach king and sad I didnt have any beautiful jewelry.


this is really weird because I
NEVER think about zach king/dating him
dont think about esctacy
dont think about ms. clark
dont think about sam van wetter.
and would never date two people at the same time.


this is a very, very strange reflection of my subconcious mind.

yay yay yay!!


I am going camping today.

at 11. with WILAAAAA!!!!! :D

although I can remember the name of the place we're going..... but that's okay. I bought some sour gummy worms and peach rings and rice cakes for the FIVE HOUR car ride. I love camping. I love everything about it.

we're going with her mom and a bunh of teachers at her moms school (she's a consuler) and like 8 4th graders.


isnt that exciting? yes it is.

I saw ms hann yesterday.....it was really funny. she was driving next to me. with will. they just saw sweeny tod.


BYE!!!!!!!